life's too short for you to just let it slip by. at least i learnt that today. dunno why but i've always felt that something's missing..i know it sounds so cliche and coming from a 16 yr old so over-the-top but that's honestly how i feel right now..studying has become extremely meaningless, i have no aim in life and basically im just breezing by. its so weird cuz i was never like that..always had a purpose..everyhting i did, i knew wad i was getting myself into, knew that i could deal with it, and did it well..but now its like i dont do anything anymore, just sit around let other pple do it, let other pple lead the life i used to live...feel rather useless, underutilized. i feel like my four yrs in rgs have been me sailing through not making any difference to anyone, i seem to have done nothing and the feeling really sucks. never intended to just sail past these 4 yrs. and friends? my company has been rather well lets just put as superficial. sec 2 was great cuz i was this super bouncer, so i was like everywhere knowing everyone and still having my comfort zone but now its like i feel as if i never bothered to find out about anyone else in the class apart from yilin,mish,hannah and chuwen..and its really obvious how conversation changes when we're around, how it has become so weird when someone's there who's not part of us..and i feel bad about it..maybe cuz i feel as if i lost the chance to get to know someone, someone i could potentially clique with..i made a choice then, a stupid one i must admit now, but that's only cuz i have the ablility of hindsight now, but when i made it, i wasnt thinking straight, i just wanted to enjoy myself..now i feel that i wasted 2 yrs, maybe even more, ever since sec 1 when i didnt get in ..it was like something changed i guess..no changed that before i was so driven then in sec 1 i heard something, took it to heart and changed i guessed...no not for the better, i thought it was at that time but now i know otherwise. i've become mainstream, another one of the forgettable faces, it didnt even affect me when i didnt get in ..i didnt care anymore...maybe i understood wad it meant to fail..and was protecting myself from it..so then the rest of my life was put into softball and nothing else..another closed-door world...it would have been nice if only.....nvm that point is that i somehow lost myself in the way, the person that i was when i was young..im still the same when im alone, but its what i show others that im concerned about..the facade..it worries me alot..i dont want to lose my identity..i think i lost it already..i dont know anymore..im starting to doubt myself, something i never ever did..i always knew what i wanted, i dont anymore..i guess at 16 its ok..transition stage as pple put it but thats all bullshit..if u havent noticed, the society we live in demands us to know what we want, it rewards the brilliant, leaves the rest of us chasing the dust..no there's nothing wrong with that..it just makes us want to excel more..but i think ive reached a point where i come to realise that acadamic achievements are meaningless to me..no that doesnt mean ill study any less..it just means that its not gratifying. i dont want to look back and see myself as a sailor..i want to see myself as someone who tried to do something, tried to make a difference. im not like you, i've tried to be and perfected the art of pretending everythng's ok,chirpy, making you perceive that i dont care..but i do. i just never said it. i cant break out of it now..no but i can in time..so the next few months im hoping to find myself again, find my passion, find that drive i used to have , not acadamic drive but i guess the drive to do something and not just be a bum, and then when next yr comes around, hopefully, i do something for myself, hopefully ill be happy and when i look back just be glad that i didnt waste another 2 yrs.

i changed, u might say everyone does but no i changed too much too fast at least on the outside..i definitely gained a lot of confidence..i can speak up a lot more but i lost that inner strength, the will that makes to want to speak up other pertinent issues..now i just talk alot about meaningless stuff, stuff that yup sound good for a light conversation but i never go deeper, never let myself out..never let anyone close enough..i used to have different points of view, now i seem to be disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing, a cynic of the higest order..i think i just aways wanted to fit in..weird?no not at all, isnt that everyone's goal in sec 1; to fit in..find new friends..i screwed up along the way but al least i was happy..then sec 3 came and i needed to fit in again..screwed up again just this time im not happy..dont get me wrong theres nothing wrong with the four of them..they're great anbd i love their company to bits..and i seriously have no idea what i would have done without chuwen..but thats not it..i just feel as if i missed out on something..tried to be someone im not. i just cant let it go on..its as if im lying to eveyone. myself included.

its time to face up and stop being a shirker. you all deserve answers and i guess ill just have to be honest. i made up my mind a long time ago about leaving softball..ever since sec1, i joined softball because there was no hockey..joined it beacuse the twins were joining so i thought i would be safe.. but it was just a stepping stone. just something i was going to do for 4 yrs. then the four of us happened which was great while it lasted..no lets not kid ourselves it doesnt exist anymore..and then all the hypocrisy and all the politics and all the shit happened. i know it may be long forgotten to some but i cant simply beacuse i blame myself for eveything that ellen went though. i was stupid and naive and now even as things have simmered down and everything looks so bright and perfect once agin, it erks me to look back and know that i was used.no i let myself be used, never stood up for anything..cuz it meant being safe, it meant that i wouldnt be touched, i let a lot of people down but i guess it didnt bother me cuz i was doing the natural thing..self preservation..but now when its all said and done and im looking back, i just cant forget what happend. i cant get over it. i failed her when i should have stuck by her, u caused it but i let it happen, never said a word.and now i just cant forget..i can forgive you for what you did, but forget? no. who's to say you wouldnt do it again but just this time to me?and i wont allow myself to forget too. and thats why i cant go on..i cant be a hypocrite, no i can but i dont want to.i dont want to lie to anyone, dont want to fall to the same standards. im sorry but i just cant. it was great while it lasted and ill never forget all the times we had, the singing, the laughing, the crying, the screaming (shrieking on my part), the heart to heart talks..ill always hold them dear to me but i cant do it anymore. im sorry if i hurt you all but i have to do what i feel is long overdue. i cant be someone who pretends not to care about anything when i do..im trying to live by wad i belive in and the first on my agenda would be integrity. maybe its not as bad as i make it, maybe im just blowing it out of proportion but i cant help it.i screwed up big time. im sorry ellen, im sorry moni, im sorry emerald and im sorry puff. im sorry i was a crap friend and im sorry that i never bothered. i want to be happy, i want to fit in, i want to make sure im "safe" but im not going to do it at anyone's expense again. i know better now.