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V27 :kiss away the young thrills

designer
trent!
angela
xueting
karwei!
deb and bel
mish
hannah and co
clique
shihui
michelle

i have a lot to say now so u had better get cozy if ure actually gonna survive my whole long tirade.

ok so last night i took a panadol at 12 only to remember that something in that damn tablet keeps me up all night so i wiggled in bed and wrestled with my pillows for about an hour before finally admitting to myself that it was really of no use. so off i trotted to watch tv. they were showing beyond borders and it was the israeli-palestinian conflict one. so it got me thinking...

whether i was really pro-jew or perhaps pro-arab and as i weighed which side had commited more atrocities than the other, it struck me that i really couldnt be pro either side. think about it, its so easy to be pro-arab beacuse as outsiders the way we see it, the jews could have gone somewhere else, why did they have to come to palestine? it seems like they had a choice and they were inflicting the same sort of injustice that they had faced for so long.. but what if you put yourself in the shoes of a jew. a jew who for his whole entire life has been told stories about zion. wherever they were, it was but a transition stage, something they were going to make the best of but zion was the final destination so naturally they had to return to palestine. they couldnt have gone anywhere else. we as outsiders, as singaporeans cannot honestly judge them for what do we understand of their sentiments. do we have such strong convictions, such staunch beliefs? it easy to look at the issue in terms of black and white but it really has never been black or white. its the shade of grey we all fear for no one really knows who's to blame. the minute emotions of people comes into the picture, the issue never stays as clear cut as it may seem.

so as i sat there wondering who i supported more, i realized that perhaps we were missing the whole point. why are we playing the blame game, why is there a need to see who was right? we should instead be focusing on what can be done. think about it so what if we are pro-arab? so what if we think that the creation of israel was not justified? the fact still remains that it did indeed come into being, so instead of harping on the past, we should be focusing on the future. likewise if we choose to support the jews and say that they were right in their defense tactics, does that mean that it should go on? the past as someone said cannot be erased but the future i feel is still a black page. so i think that peace is actually very much possible between the two sides. call me idealistic but i think that at a certain point, the war and bloodshed just gets too much and people will want to give it a rest. its not going to be easy that's certain but its a give for both sides. the israelis have to give up the occupied lands and the palestinians have to make sure that the attacks stop. its easier said than done of course but if this can be achieved then i pretty much believe that peace can be establised. yes the insecurities will remain but give it a few generations and it will simmer down. so peace i believe is a choice between both sides. if they want it bad enough they can have it. the question that remains now is just how badly do they want it.

ok i got that off my chest. now onto the assholes who had to have their playday THREE days before the biggest festival in india. god three days!! couldnt they have had their fun some other time. damn its getting to a point where you have no idea when u are safe anymore. constantly living in fear and wonder whether today will be the day these people have their fun again. once upon a time i would have told you that terrorism could be justified but today i think ill probably have to eat my words.. its no longer justified, how can it be condsidering the number of lives that have been lost..understandable perhaps, but even that is fast disappearing. especially after sat's attacks which really hit home. see aunt and her hubby were in delhi at that time and hence you can imagine the chaos in the house as we tried desperately to contact them. the look of hopelessness and the despair on the faces of those they were showing on CNN. i dont think ill ever forget it. i dont really want to dwell into it now cuz i dont think i could ever put the rollar-coaster of emotions running though me into words, so ill leave it as a memory, something i probably will never forget.
i used to think i knew what fear was; just happened to be wrong. dead wrong.

ok and since this entry was supposed to be loooooooooooong i shall go into the doings of my life for the past couple of days. well first off, went to little india with mum on sat. thank god we met aunt there cuz us goons had no idea where we were going. mum kept going lets go there. looks nice. BUT mum, we're been there already! and everything here is the same anyway!! you could hear me whining from a mile away. and naturally we were drawing many many stares.. well lucky for us aunt popped by and took us around. yay and boy was it fun. really the pace is pretty cool, you just have to know here to look. think it did much good to my ever-dwindling Indian roots. oh did i forget to mention that i got henna done. yes after much much much coaxing and an exasperated mother. figure it looks pretty ok though its a tad too dark to my liking.

oh yes i got my second p******* yesterday..just in case someone reads this that really shouldnt be..now dont give me that shocked look ok. i have no idea what possessd me to do it too. guess it was like instinct or something. and me and khaw did deliberate for ages before taking the plunge. i was in shock yesterdae after doing it but now as it sinks in i think i kinda like it.first sign of rebellion aint it. well the only reason i did it was cuz bong and co ditched me to watch some terrible chinese movie. hello i came all the way from home just to spend the day with them and they choose to watch a chinese movie!! i could honestly have shot them all but thankfully deb, von, janell and christine were there to keep me company and yea take me to get it. lol. was supposed to do some tara b'dae thing but then deb decided that it would be too risky so instead we asked..ok fine fine deb and janell asked while i stood silently in the corner holding the cake..2 guys to give her the cake. they were so nice and sporting..if anyone had asked me to do it, i would have probably raised one eyebrow and start blabbering in punjabi or pretend to bhave gone temp deaf.. i guess maybe thats why no one asks me anyway..u think? then went pooling..heiyo my pooling skills have deteriorated so much that they are now even worse than my non-existent computer skills. oh the horror!!oh yes and i made a fool of myself by waving crazily at this girl who i thought was val..turns out she wasnt and she gave me this weird stare the rest of the day..haiz after which bong shiwei and i went to eat dinner and took loads of pics. i guess its that time of the year again when everyone is busy taking photos. a result of the fear of forgeting, the fear of letting it all slip away. but i wont forget, i promise.

so happy halloween guys. though i am still in denial about not going trick-or treating. nvm give me two years and i shall run havoc in london (i bet!)..i dont care im gonna go study there!!humph let me dream please. oh and yes happy dewali to the limited number of indian friends of mine that actually noe about the existence of this place.

toodles..

ive learned that sometimes when i'm angry, i have the right to be angry. but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
ive learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesnt mean that they dont love you with all they have.

i took that from gloria's enty. it stuck me the most. go read its really thought provoking. me likes!

peace out. 10:12 PM

it has come to my attention that i have been neglecting my blog. well well well about time i might say. cant believe this place has managed to survive the hmm.. 2 months that it has without me abstaining from it from quite a while.

had the fist major panic attack of my life yesterday..ok fine its really not that dramatic, not even a real panic attack, just a hysterical me screaming the minute i saw my mum telling her that i simply could not do physics. i think i was basically freaking out that my subject combi was actualy finally confirmed. it just made the future look so real, so close and so damn restricted. i need my space, to breathe, to dwell, to grow and asking me to pick 4 subs is utter madness. and im still not decided, think i shall just apply for the humans scolarship and see what happens. if i get it good, dont then physics here i come. but that's just another thing im mulling over, prob the most pertinent cuz i have no o's hovering over my head like everyone else.

no regets. the saying's getting old people. i cant tell u the number of folks who have been saying that to me. i know they mean well but u do realize its me u're talking to. regardless of what im taking, im always gonna be busy comtemplating with my what ifs. and i like doing that. gives me this alternate sense of reality. but then again its horridly draining. so maybe ill give this no regrets thing a try. just maybe.

its nostalgic period at the moment. somthing i will not blog about today for i cant bring myself to face it yet. talking about it means accepting it, means acknowleding that its gonna come. i cant do that yet. i just cant. im afraid of the future. as always im just hiding that behind my smile.

as such i am currntly looking again at all the photos accumulated this year..france net carn and other lame ass moments we're had. not gonna post them up now cuz im thinking i wanna try this picasa thing. before you go patting my back for finally entering the world of technology let me remind you that i said THINKING. im perfectly contented being the tech-noob that i am. life is so much simpler that way.

ok today's update is complete. i shall return soon i hope. its back to potter now. must have been another lunatic moment of mine for actually ever leaving it.

peace out. 9:49 PM

it was bound to happen.glad it finally came out.so tired of hiding.bugger off everyone else.

peace out. 9:15 PM

i am officially on a blue boycott!! so the next person who asks me what happened to my shoes is gonna get a big flick on their foreheads. (trust me it hurts like shit, ive tried it already) some bloody blugger decided that it would be extremely convenient for her to drop her LEAKING inky pen on the floor since she probably didnt want to house it in her pencil-case anymore. so the ignorant me spends my whole math lesson with a leaking pen on the floor under my table and mind you i happen to shift my legs a lot so the outcome is well obvious. literally. so pissed off and the bloody ink has probably stanined my whole damn shoe already so im refusing to go wash it off(which it prob cant anyway) just so that whoever did it would feel bad. i swear she's gonna have to clean the whole floor under my table too.i will not be made to clean up the damn blue ink that is your fault. damn.

ok got that off my chest so now onto the hand, which is hurting like hell. i think after today, the idea that i am a weakling has just been reinforced a gazillion times. it really is not my fault that i dont hit so hard ok. at least i started picking up after a while cuz the hand was already stinging like shit and becoming numb so i couldnt feel the pain anymore. but now i look like some diseased kid. the red spots havent disappeared!! how how how? im not gonna die of internal bleeding right? it looks awful and hurts terribly too and it had to be on the hand with the suicidal cut.

speaking of suicidal, i went to get my watch the other day, its horrid by the way, then the sales person was trying to make it tighter for me so she asked for my hand which i obediently obliged to. then she gave me this super weird look cuz of the cut! no! i did not attempt to kill myself lady. dying to say that to her but decided i should just keep my mouth shut and just smile at her instead. didnt work, she must have thought i was deranged as well as suicidal. well well lets just hope she never meets me again.

have been shooting the past couple of days. why? dunno just dont wanna let them down i guess. hmm. oh i must say i had a superb time on monday playing the 4 on 4 thingie! we should do that again. loved the atmosphere cuz it was pure fun and so non competitive! arh why cant it always be like that. and i plonked onto bed at 920 cuz i was so drained. great, now ive finally found a solution to my sudden bouts of insomia which have been becoming extremely frequent.

ok thats it i think i need to go back to math. its rather frigthening how little i care about it. shit overconfidence killed the cat! oh wait no was it curiosity. heck the cat had 9 nines lives i bet they were both the causes for its death. ok fine tell me to shut up.

Ding dong bell
pussy in the well
if you dont like it
go to hell

nice?

peace out. 9:03 PM

wow whee im here again. 2nd time in wad 4 hours?A new record!! just finished the darn chem thing. didnt expect it to take that long and now that its done im feeling rather lost like theres nothing left to do. see now the normal person would decide to go to bed but me being me, am now busy comtemplating what to do next. and u wonder why i cant wake up in the morns maybe i should take another dig at my 1/4 done philo essay. but then again ive killed enough brain cells for today. hmmm.

na i think ill much rather continue reading this man's blog i found. highly intriguing especially since he's gay. reading his entries from all the way since 2002. damn i think im becoming a tad obsessed.

oh oh and have i mentioned that pretty boy blake is out!! highly pissed off at that. now who apart from bobby jon am i gonna watch!! humph, i guess ill just have to shift to the farmer then.dang

peace out. 12:48 AM

in dire need of a new music craze. franz ferdinand is getting way too boring. sick sick sick of it!! ok its my fault for listening to it so much that even when im sleeping, i can hear the guy's voice ringing in my head. and it really isnt a very nice ringing.

speaking of music, thank goodness i didnt get the nano! the new ipod is a 10000000000000000 times cooler and funkier!! and very economical if i may say so myself. think about it, 30GB for 500..and it can store videos, pics, and loads of songs! and the best part is it comes in black as well!! yes start drooling!! i am so exicited, cant wait to get it though im a little apprehensive. first generation and all. heck its high time i got on board the apple wagon anyway.

am thinking of going to work. beifen is gonna call tomorrow. hopefully there'll be some vacancy then can earn some money. though i think a much better way would be to give tuition for maths maybe? any takers??

other than that i am currently just extremely bored. and extremely lazy. this week has been zero exercise week. damn if i keep this up im never ever gonna get muscles! ok next week shall be better i swear..where is the damn self-discipline when i need it? hiding behind my lazy nerves i figure.

anyway thank you guiyi for your ultra ultra nice sleeping bag today. somehow i managed to fall alseep on it amid all the madness that the hamsters were creating. for the life of me i dont think i will ever understand how people can just coo over anything that isnt 2-legged. ok i agree they're cute and all but from AFAR. the minute it comes in close proximity to me i just flip. just not an animal person i guess and definitely not a looking after an animal person. after the fish incident, i think its rather self explanatory.

damn its a friday night and im sitting at home. should have gone blading with ade and sing yean but then have to finish some chem thing that is absolutely ridiculous. i need to get a life! shit.

peace out. 7:47 PM

if u dont have a tub of ice-cream and loads and loads of chocolate for me then u can just turn right back around and go away..no wait u can just go click the little red box on the top right hand corner of your screen that contains an "X"..whichever suits u better.

i am currently in my 987654321 bout of depression!! Did u know that i cannot fit into the spastic dress i tried on today! it was too bloody big. now before u smart alecs go "get a smaller size lar" with your rolled eyes and all let me remind u that contrary to popular belief (my mum's that is) i do have some, abeit not many, but definitely some brain cells which means that that the only reason why i didnt try on a smaller size was cuz there were none!! and i loved that dress!! though it did look horrendous on me..too angelic roy said. Angelic! WAD the hell! do i not look angelic to u! -pouty face and huge smile- ok fine it doesnt work but still i liked that dress uber a lot. now im back to being dress less. i tell u im going in jeans and a top. thats it. no more of this prom hooha.

speaking of prom, guess wad also happens on nov 17?! Goblet of fire's coming out!! -cue for hyperventilation- yes i noe, after ages of waiting, its finally here!! i must say, that radcliff fella is getta uber hot wouldnt you agree. took him a while but he's definitely looking the part now. so in lieu with the release i have ventured back into the harry potter fandom..ok fine i never actually stopped reading it but my visiting rate definitey dropped a gazillion times but im back now! alive and kicking or shall i say reading. and in an attempt to understand the joy that amanda gets from reading slash, i decided t try it out again. only to remember why i swore off it in the first place. i mean its great and all until the parts start getting explicit and at those moments i cannot help but start grinning and burst out laughing at the weirdness of the situation. spoils the whole fic for me from then onwards. humph. stupid funny bone of mine. works at all the wrong moments. so i am sticking with my harry/ginny, draco/ginny, ron/hermoine and a couple of other pairings. slash shall remain beyond my comprehension for the time being unti maturity sets in which probably wont be for a long time.

that reminds me im reading all the hp books again! cant believe it either but its really really fun! though i will openly admit that im really really slow at it. now u honestly cant blame me ok. reading fanfic and the actual books is a long, draining process so back all u "resh is slow" proclaimers.

oh yes, back to my ultra depressing day. had maths test today. aiyoh if i can pass ill be ultra happy. i really dunno what im doing anymore. so scary. everyone scribbling away and dear me staring blankly at the paper going "Come on girl. u can do this. slow and steady." then the brain starts screaming back " how the hell u want me to go slow and steady when the people next to you are moving their pens faster than you can say boo!!!" so as usual i put on this super focused face even though my insides were churning like siao. haiz typical typical.

then we had chem lesson which bong and i managed to screw up again. i tell u god has this thing against the two of us working together. we have yet to do one single experiment with no glitch. haiz but then again, what can u expect by puting two goons together. bio was fun though. we cut up the rat with nat and gloria. i shant go into details now its prob gonna be on bong's blog with pics and all so yea go there

and its high time i end now. figure ive bored you all enough.

peace out. 8:02 PM

apollo 13..another kevin bacon movie..i think my little fetish for him has just been notched up 10 times..hmmm

peace out. 8:28 PM

whoever came up with the receipe for the jam biscuits from marks and spencer deserves a great big pat on their back! it is the most yummy thing i have ever eaten!! Yummy Yummy Yummy!!! very unlike the yami yourgurt we had for lunch, which i didnt like one bit. dont know why but yami yougurt is just totally not my thing.

anyway today was fun! went parkway with moni and gee and though we planned to eat our hearts out, only managed to stuff our faces with fish and co which was good nonetheless. then we went mag hunting! trashy mags are the perfect end to any day!! after which the lazy me took a cab home. gosh i mush have gotten the noisiest bugger for a cab driver. i tell u the guy would not stop talking. thankfully he was extremely extremey nice so i dint mind too much otherwise i think i might have been rather cheesed off.

went around looking for prom dress today. saw a lots of pretty ones but dont really know if i want them or not. considering im only gonna wear it once isnt it just pure spasticism to waste a bomb on it? well anyway i have decided that i need sunglasses! haha ok fine not need but want. was trying them out at gelleria the other day. must say they looked really really cool but i cant get any of those shiny ones cuz ill look like a bug! a really really awfully big-eyed bug! ya so after trying out i dunno how many of them decided i want the tinged ones or the half clear ones..so chic! or else the big black ones which are funkey too, as moni and gee so aptly pointed out, but i have no guts to wear them out so yea too bad no go for me.

have i ever menioned how freaking hot Kevin Bacon is! no i absolutely will not tolerate anyone, ANYONE saying that he is old. well yea ok he is but he's still super duper hot. go away all u sniggerers! humph.


and u dare tell me he's not hot!

this one's from mystic river. its wad im watching now or rather attempting to watch as i type this entry here on sis's labby. so cool its my first time using it, must say its uber fun to type here. so smooth!! anyway from wad ive manged to get outta the movie, its pretty good but an oscar for sean penn for that? hmm dont think so dude..u should have given it to him for i am sam. ok its darn late and its high time i got to sleep considering i have a long day ahead tomorrow.

oh and in an attempt to not feel so loser i have swiched off the comments buttons since no one bothers to type anything there. so i shall pretend its simply cuz pple are too lazy to comment rather than cuz no one comes here. yup yup.

in reality we're still 11 year old boys locked in a cage imagining what our lives would be like if we had escaped. -bacon's character in the movie

peace out. 11:27 PM

peace out. 5:20 PM

peace out. 9:15 PM

The thing I miss most about France is the ART! The ability to lose yourself completely in awe of the great works of man. How I wish I could go back again and keep staring at the larger than life paintings that were as close to perfect as could be. I remember gasping as we entered, my eyes darting from one painting to the next as I fell in love with the boldness of the drawings, the intricacy of the strokes, the intelligence of the painter and the beauty of the picture, each with its own message, some so obsure to us today that we often ponder over what the painter was thinking then. i wish we could have stayed there longer, wish i could have spent the whole day there. There was so much to see, so little time to do it but it was worth it either way. Its depressing to look back for when I return, if I return, Ill be too old to go "under 18" to the men in uniform there, too old to attempt to sneak in with the authoritized people, too old to give that pathetic lost child look that managed to get us in again and too old to not care about the reprecussions of our insane suggestions that we put into action that somehow always managed to turn out fine in the end. its gonna cost me a bomb to go back but i guess if i do, ill spend most of my time sitting in the musuems just staring quietly and peacefully lost in my own world of gods and heros, without any worry that i have too little time to see everything.

Art in France wasnt only found in museums, in the paintings. i saw it everywhere mostly in the stunning architechture in every single building which drew inspiration from France's rich heritage. Never in my entine lifetime have i seen so many statues sprawled across one piece of land or the master artistry that was jumping out from the walls of the churches and the apartment buildings. The roofs were breath-taking. It was so different from home, so alluring, so perfect. Why did we have to leave?

I miss the beauty and history of that place, i miss the awe that i felt each time i turned left and right, miss the feeling of amazement and respect that i felt for the creators of such beauty. Its not home i tell myself, yet why did it feel so right then when i was there lost in the art? Why did it feel like home?

Darn im missing France a lot now. But ill never live there, no i'd need to learn french for that. I guess ill be sticking to New York as my dream home for now then. Just found out that there actually is an art exhibition going on somewhere in Singapore now, think i shall go, maybe even alone if roy and jem bail on me, the need and want to do something for myself is growing and i guess there's nothing wrong if i indulge in art.

So why cant i be a doctor interested in art? What's so wrong with that? Im just being as adamant as i can right now. i dont want to give up my love for paintings (i have a thing against sculptures) just because i go into the sciences. i dont know. the future seems so unsettled. on one hand, im freaked about the prospects, on the other thrilled. fivolous me. maybe i'll just do what i want and go into the humanities program, though that would be the path untrodden, the one where i wont have any support, the one where if i screw up ill only have myself to blame. Do i really have the strength for that? i guess ill know in a week's time, see if i even get a choice, after all the deal i made with mum is still in the air, we'll know next week.

the fear of not being good enough, the fear of not being the best is so prevalent. the fear that im never going to find something that i love and am good at eats me daily. jack of all trades, master of none. maybe.

ai enough of this. i shall scream and die if i go on comtemplating like this. i shall leave that to when im running. For now, i just want to be contented, which essentially means loads of one tree hill and a big large tub of ben and jerry's and once thats done it will be oc, lost and desperate housewives all of which have decided to release their new sesaons. thats all i need to be happy. and of course my art which i shall start searching for tomorrow. oh and ill post the pics of france tomorrow. too tired to borther now

why study history if we are bound to repreat the mistakes of the past?

peace out. 11:10 PM