today was a tad too thought-provoking for the sorry state that the mind is currently in.

began during recess/break or wadever you would choose to call the 3 hour free blocks that bore the hell outta me. basically chuwen and i were blog-surfing(no wait she was showing me the blogs of various pple but thats besides the point) and i came to realize what big losers we were being reading the blogs of people that dont know of our existence. isnt it weird to read about their whole lives and discuss every little nick of their lives in such great detail when we dont know them at all? Where do u draw the line between becoming obsessive over someone else's life and being just a mere passer-by wanting a good read? And who the heck are we to judge these people and their actions?. i personally dont see any problem with reading the blogs of people that i dont know ie. people i have never seen in my life and will probably never see either but the weirdness of it all comes once we begin reading the blogs of acquaintances, no not friends but acquaintances. people who we see but dont really talk to or arent close to. isnt it scary how someone can know so much about you and yet not be close to you? i mean its like every time i see her ill be thinking "hah, i know your little secrets!" where the hell did the word "private" in life go to? hmmm

then came the "what am i going to do with my life" conversation that i have had for the umptieth time with countless number of people, with each time leaving me feeling all the more drained. im 16! only, i say. you cannot fault me for not knowing what i want and yet i constantly feel a pang of jealously as those around me talk anxiously about the combinations they will be taking. bummer. and unlike many i simply cannot buy into the crap about not caring about my results. i do care, i want to do well, itsn't that the whole point. ya thats more to life than just our results but dont lie to yourself in a lame attempt at consolation that it isnt important. it is. very much so for me considering i do not have a daddy's scolarship to go on. reached a conclusion today, after our long blabberings; the fear of being mediocre is clearly evident and definitely frightening. maybe thats why i dont wanna make a choice on my future. yet.

next thing that really halted my steps today was when i was going home. went home with this someone who to put it nicely isnt one of my favourite people on earth but it actually turned out to be a rather interesting ride. we were talking about little nothings that made so much sense then and she even let me listen to her music, which i must say was heavenly. not my usual indie rock thing but it was good nonetheless. some french music, in the middle of classical and opera, which i found extremely comforting to the distraught soul of mine. its commonly said that the type of music you listen to tells the type of person you are. i guess i must have been wrong about her all along. i know that first impressions are extremely important and count for alot but should first impressions be our last? the first time i met her was in france and we didnt really hit it off but in all honesty i feel horrid now about all the things i said about her. ya, she has many quirks that i may not like but im not perfect so why judge. why jump to stupid conclusions and always be resentful when it would be so much simpler to just have her as a friend. she probably wont be someone ill ever be really close to but there's nothing wrong with friendship is there. i was wrong about her. i see that now, just look a little time and getting used to.

and if that wasnt enough, as i was walking back to my block, i saw a couple of big, burly men helping to put up a stage. the mind went into immediate "NOT AGAIN!" mode as i couldnt help but resist a snigger. think the estate is vying for the most close-knit community in Singapore award. you should see the number of things they put up. there was a children's day bash, an old folks' appreciation day, a Happy-Happy carnival ( dont laugh) which mind you were all in the last month! think of the number of things they had before that. i figure i would have probably liked it all if i was still a little kid but with age comes cynicism and since its simply impossible for me to keep a straight face in something like a Happy Happy carnival, i sit them out, choosing instead to stay at home and complain about how loud those twits are being. but then as i walked further, it hit me that these things actually do matter, so maybe not to people like me, but to the little kids who's lives have become so much more fun, to the old people who are being given an opportunity to feel young again. fostering togetherness in a community isnt bad is it? and especially with so many diffent races and so many differnt festivals, its seems rather coming that as a neighbourhood we are able to share our joy with people we otherwise would have barely even nodded too.

the brain needs a break from all the musing that i have done today and hence i shall go attempt to release endophines now. ciaos.