Thursday, February 02, 2006
i feel lost. for the first time in a long while i feel like im no longer in control, like im just taking the ride having given the wheel to life and that terrifies the hell out of me cus i'd much rather have lost control than not be in the driver's seat at all. i dont know what im doing. am i making the right choices? someone told me i wasnt today and maybe she's right but how am i supposed to know that. how am i to know that that is what i want. its times like this i wish i could look at the future, see which one would make me happy. happy.. such a simple word yet its meaning is beyond my comprehension. but then again arent we supposed to look for our own happiness. isnt that the beauty of it all? and if i keep waiting for life to throw me a break, im just gonna grow old and wrinkly being extremely sour.
i made my choice a long time ago. i told u guys too. and as much as it pains me to say this, i cant go back on it. because u ask..because this is who i am and who would know better but you guys. ive alwyas been the fickle one, the one who pushed all the decisions aside, the one who could see the flaws in evrything, even if it seemed perfect. ever wondered why? because i knew once i made a decision i would stick by it. tweek it a little if i had too but stick by it definitely. i am who i am and it sucks but then again what doesnt. im sorry for being such a stubborn ass, i cant help it.
but having said all that, i still want you all to know that i miss you guys terribly. i miss the security blanket i had. u guys were my rock. still are. my lamess moments were with u all and that just shows how secure i was to let myself go. and im so glad we went bowling that day. it meant a lot to know that i still have u guys. yes it wont be the same but im willing to work on keeping our friendship alive. and ill come for every game i promise. wouldnt miss it for the world. and ill come down too sometime when training's slack (dont worry coach said we could) and i guess i just wanted to say im still here no matter what.
yup with that and a tear in my eye i say goodbye.
onto more mundane stuff..why do people change? and so drastically at that? were they not secure about who they were before? its weird and yet not unexpected at all. you always knew it was going to happen and then -CRASH- it does and you wonder how and when and why it did. hmm im being rather pensieve. well so much for that.
i hate coming home to an empty house these days. well not empty but deafening definitely. its so sad to reach home at 9 everyday, have dinner alone, watch tv alone. no one to bug or hear stories from. i miss the brother. miss his sudden random stories and jokes..i feel like i know all his friends so well even though i may have never seen some of them at all. i miss hearing him tell the sister and cousin hockey stuff and i just miss his presense as a whole. never thought i would but i do. afterall isnt he supposed to teach me and counsel me? and to think my sis is leaving tomorrow too. not forgetting the grandparents are gone too.
silence. sometimes its soothing. today its just suffocating. growing up can be such a bitch sometimes.
peace out. 10:38 PM