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V27 :kiss away the young thrills

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i think im horrid at dealing with grief/sadness/disappointment.. you get the gist..basically all those emotions that render you to feel down..like today..instead of crying or ranting or screaming and just letting it all out..i instead went straight back to bed..cuddled up in my comforter and pretended everything was fine. like nothing had happened. then i woke up..went for the golden compass with t.ara and went to mango sale after for retail therapy where i bought a top and helped ta.ra get jeans. imagine that not a single tear shed for a broken dream. after which i went for coffee with d. a typical day. who would have thought i had a broken heart as well.

i dont know. perhaps im simply bad at expressing those emotions..its as if theres an impenetrable wall when it comes to dealing with sadness..like i always have to be the sunshine girl or something..i was re-reading one of ro.y's notes the other day while clearing up the cupboard and it was a letter she wrote after the whole softball team thing.. and i quote "i know you take it like a man" and "it seems as if you are fine when you really are not"..and other things that made me wonder perhaps i am sort of a rock when it comes to these things arent i? ill laugh with you, hug you when you're down tell you things will be fine..be there for you but probably wont let you be there for me. unless you are really really close. fine come back roy i need you here..ah well.

but really really im ok. or maybe it hasnt sunk in yet and maybe i just need to cry.. though right now i cant seem to remember how to.silly isnt it. i cant remember how to cry?! and well d planned to take me out drinking tonight to deal with it since he believes that im a inner tormented soul that needs rescuing..his words not mine.. he thinks i hide a lot behind that smile..imagine that?! coming from someone im not even very close to..if he can see it i wonder how many other people can or maybe they just think i never get sad..maybe you think? so anyway m found out and decided we couldnt go until he gets back since he has no faith in our tolerance levels.. bah come back soon too then mat.t! and he refuses to tell us the day he's returning so well done me and d went for coffee instead then just now. yes loser tell me about it.

well onto other stuff then..i got a nice top from mango i like and the mother might be getting me jeans too! yes i love her! and tar.a got the Penelope cruz collection one..uber hot..i want one too! must go hunt it down tomorrow yes. and well the golden compass was well..actually i liked it a lot and cant imagine why anyone wouldnt! except the ending la..quite jack..but since i like all movies u shouldnt ever take my word for it.

so thats it i guess. if you've read this far im mighty proud of u and if you could, teach me how to cry wont you. teach me how to be sad and not feel silly and while you're at it teach me how to smile.. the real kind not one that hides shadows behind it.
it will be much appreciated.

peace out. 10:07 PM